How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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