I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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