put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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