I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
