Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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