My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
