Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize