i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The air taste purple.
Randomize
