I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
