last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
