I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
