You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
