he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
