Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
