i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
