nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
