I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
