I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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