I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
