Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
