either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
