I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
