I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
