Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
