so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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