Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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