i just made my gag reflex go away.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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