I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
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