if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
