this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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