She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
