Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
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