i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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