Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
