we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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