he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
