Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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