Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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