The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
