so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
