im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
we made out on top of his cat.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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