Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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