every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
