I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
