I love black thongs
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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