I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize