I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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