i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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