My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
