So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
