I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
