Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
