woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
