I hate all girls vehemently.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
you made out with another girl for some wings
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
