the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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