If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
