Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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