My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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